Confessions
by gallatica7
Summary: A long time desire finally pushes Sanzo over the edge... [SanzoGoku]


Re-posted! after my previous account was brutally terminated.

Summary:

Sanzo contemplates whether to admit his feelings for Goku or not. Major, and I mean major OOC'ness in Sanzo.

Actually, I think that even the no-nonsense monk has his own emotions, but it's really up to you. This is just a warning, people.

**--I don't own Saiyuki.**

You always looked so innocent.

Even after the numerous battles that we fight each day, you always have that naive look in your eyes. You would gaze up at me, with your whole body filthy from youkai blood, and whine that you're hungry.

_Blood can be washed away._

I hold you closer to me, draping my leg over your small body as my hand wounds itself tightly around your slim waist. The smell of your hair is intoxicatingly sweet, the scent of flowers during spring, your favorite type of shampoo.

Your face is peaceful as you sleep, and I'm led almost believe that it is because I'm holding you. I've never held you so close before, not for this long.

I had felt as if something had gripped my heart when I saw you without your diadem, just a few hours ago. Fear had swept through my whole body. I feared that you might not return, return to the innocent and beautiful Goku that I had fallen for.

Your catlike eyes had locked into mine; I saw a mixture of emotions there even though I'm not sure I can even call them emotions. I had seen pain, hurt, anger, and bloodlust. Were these the feelings that you had felt before you were locked up? The same emotions that had drove you to commit the crime in heaven 500 years ago? You say that you don't remember anything, and I don't want to pressurize you, for I have a feeling that I might not like what I hear.

You are already so strong, and without your limiter you are unstoppable. I had felt as if those were my last moments with you. Guilt had washed over me when I realized that I might not be able to protect you, protect you from yourself. I had felt as if I had failed. Again.

But by some miracle, you had transformed back, back into the Goku that I know and love when I had reached out my hand in frustration and placed it on your forehead. The joy that I had was indescribable.

And here you are, sleeping in my arms. You had collapsed once again after defeating that bastard god Homura. I held you tight as I carried you back to Hakuryuu. You had snuggled into my embrace, and I felt my emotions toying with me once again.

I've never felt this way before. This feeling of want, of desire, of lust. It's totally new to me. Yes, it's true that I once loved my master, Koumyo Sanzo, but that is a different kind of love.

I know that you love me also; I can see it clearly in your eyes. But again I'm not sure. I hesitate in showing you what I feel for fear that you might despise me. For fear that the love you feel for me is the same kind of love that I felt for my master.

The love of a son for his father. Of a disciple to his father.

I don't want that to happen. I hate it when you fear me, when you refuse to look me in the eye. I had hated _myself _when you had run away from me when I uttered hurtful words to you.

But…if you do love me the same way that I love you…what then? Won't you get tired of me? What if you leave? Leave because you have stopped loving me? I don't want that to happen, I fear the consequences, and I scream at myself for being so weak.

The first time I heard your voice, I thought that I might be going nuts. That the death of my master had finally got to me so bad that I had begun to hallucinate. You kept on calling and calling….calling my name over and over again. Calling me for help.

I had been smoking at the hilltop near the temple when a breeze had blown autumn leaves my way. Words of my late master had sprung into my mind at the sight of the reddish brown leaves.

_It's because I heard your voice… _

The first thought that had entered my mind when I first set my eyes on your golden orbs was **_familiar._** That thought still haunts me sometimes, that strange surge of familiarity, when I'm sure I've never seen you before. I would have remembered you if I have.

After that, _pathetic_, _pitiful_, and _innocent_ followed. And _beautiful._ Chocolate colored locks of hair, falling gracefully over your face with your perfect cheekbones, and spilling over your shoulders. Your mouth had seemed as if you used to pout adorably, and your lips looked so soft and delicious. You had a slim waist with an agile looking body. Your bronze skin seemed so smooth, so perfect.

I glance down at you now, admiring your beauty once again. It's no wonder, really, why Homura had wanted you so badly. I don't blame him for being captivated by you. Even me, after all the barriers I've built over the years..

_You took my heart without my permission, Goku._

You have begun to awaken. Your soft eyelids flutter open, and your gaze travels slowly from my chest towards my face, and then upwards to meet my own gaze.

_Disbelief_. It is written clearly on your beautiful face. _Fuck_. I shouldn't have been so outright in showing my emotions. I thin my lips as fear coursed through my entire body once again.

Would you push me away? Would you look utterly disgusted with me? I fight to keep a straight face as I hold my gaze at you.

"Sanzo?" you utter ever so softly. _Fuckfuckfuck_ Even your voice is filled with uneasiness. I close my eyes slowly. Would this be the last time I hold you in my arms?

I open my eyes again. "You passed out after that battle with Homura", I manage to croak out. Why aren't you moving? Why aren't you pushing me away with disgust?

I feel my fingers shake. I have to make a choice. Either I tell you now or I'll forever feel pain. Forever I'll think back to this time and with _what ifs_ going through my mind.

I find you staring at me. I can see disbelief, confusion, and…_hope?_ No, I must not get my own hopes up. Maybe I'm reading you wrong? Perhaps I should take it as a good omen that I don't see any disgust in your features.I swallow. Might as well get this over with.

"Is this what you want?"

My heart is slamming against my chest. I feel as if this is the moment of my life. A few years ago, if someone had told me this, I would have snorted in his face. Or maybe if I was in a bad mood I would have shot him dead for bullshitting. It's so ironic that **you**, of all people could change me.

You've blinked. _Clearly, you were not expecting me to ask you that,_ I think, as you advert your eyes from mine. My heart is beating so loud, it's as if I might go deaf just by listening to it.

You're eyes are locked into mine again. For the first time since I've released you from that cave, I'm unable to read the emotions there. I've broke into a cold sweat, and I can feel my hands shaking horribly. _Damn you_. Damn you, Son Goku, for making me feel so weak.

"No".

My heart gripped painfully. _No. _The fucking word keeps repeating itself in my mind. My grip on you loosens its hold immediately. Funny, I don't even seem to have any control of any part of my body right now; my brain seems to have stopped functioning. The whole room is spinning, round and round and round…..

"…I want more".

The room came to sudden halt. _What-?_

"I want more, Sanzo, not just this…"

After a few moments of blinking, your words finally take their full meaning in my head. What I'm feeling right now…it's once again impossible to describe it fully. I clamp my eyes shut again, trying to recompose my self.

When I open my eyes, I find your face is just inches away from mine. My breath catches in my throat as you lift your hand, placing it on my cheek.

A single tear makes its way from my eyes and trails down my cheek. _This is fucking stupid_, I've never cried before, and yet now I'm shedding tears of _joy_. Then I remind myself that this is Goku that I'm dealing with.

_Goku's__ different._

You are startled, I can tell by the look on your face. You quickly wipe the tear away with your thumb.

"Sanzo? Sanzo, what's wrong?" you ask, your voice laced with open concern and worry.

You lower your eyes. "Was it something I said?"

"You're such an idiot," I murmur, and then before you could say anything else, I diminish the gap between our mouths.

Our tongues met, and intertwined. You are so sweet, so delicious. Everything felt so right. I deepened the kiss, intent on exploring the warm cavern of your mouth. I stroked your tongue with my own, and swallowed the moan that escaped from your lips.

My hands traveled around your lithe body, as yours gripped my hair chin. I shifted a bit, and finally managed to pin you down on the bed. Your legs went around my waist, your hands currently somewhere under my shirt.

I left your lips despite your moan of protest. I wanted to explore every inch of your skin. The pulse point that was situated under your jaw was throbbing madly. My own heart race as I push up your shirt, exposing your smooth, tanned body. A small moan escape my lips as you grind your hips against mine.

_Yes, this definitely feels right._

A/N : sweatdrop. Ooh, I better stop here…don't want to get too carried away, ya know… . .

Flames? Bring it on. holds up fire-extinguisher XD


End file.
